Can you top this?

In 1940, the US public was introduced to a radio show, “Can You Top This?” The premise of the show was that the listening audience would send in jokes which were read to three professional comedians. Each comedian would be given the opportunity to top the listeners joke, staying within the same general theme, by telling his own. A “laugh meter” was used to measure the laughing response of the show’s live audience to determine whose joke was funniest.

I would like to attempt an adaptation of the show and identify some of the more current political jokes and ask you to laugh, or cry if necessary, to determine which might be the best joke.

In 1973, US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for allegedly helping to establish a ceasefire and the US withdrawal from Vietnam. To award Kissinger, the Nobel Committee had to ignore the millions of Vietnamese people whose lives were destroyed by Kissinger’s war mongering, the US bombing of Cambodia and Laos, Kissinger’s involvement in the overthrow of Chile’s democratically elected government (Salvador Allende, a social democrat who wanted the Chilean people to benefit from Chilean resources).

With the support of the US (Kissinger), the military government of Augusto Pinochet was installed. This regime sponsored repression, torture and deaths of tens of thousands of Chileans for the next 16 years.

In a 2013 Democracy Now program, Peter Kornbluh, who was instrumental in the effort to declassify more than 20,000 secret documents that revealed the role of the CIA and the White House in the Allende coup, revealed that when Allende assumed the presidency of Chile, Kissinger went to Nixon and said, “Allende is now president. The State Department thinks we can coexist with him, but I want you to make sure you tell everybody in the U.S. government that we cannot, that we cannot let him succeed, because he has legitimacy. He is democratically elected. And suppose other governments decide to follow in his footstep, like a government like Italy? What are we going to do then? What are we going to say when other countries start to democratically elect other Salvador Allendes? We will—the world balance of power will change,” he wrote to Nixon in a secret document, “and our interests in it will be changed fundamentally.”

Henry Kissinger actually said that the democratically elected leaders of other countries, if they lean to socialism, are a threat to US power. Of course, this explains the US policies over the past 60+ years to overthrow or damage any government that tends to put its people ahead of US capital investments (see Venezuela, Libya, Cuba, etc.)

In the words of Christopher Hitchens who wrote, in 2001, “The Trials of Henry Kissinger,” a book examining Kissinger’s reign as National Security Advisor and Secretary of State, he should be arrested as a war criminal not awarded a peace prize.

Let us now move to joke number 2. The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to United States President Barack Obama for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples”. The Norwegian Nobel Committee announced the award on October 9, 2009, citing Obama’s promotion of nuclear nonproliferation and a “new climate” in international relations fostered by Obama, especially in reaching out to the Muslim world.

Of course, it was early in his administration and the Muslim world did not yet know that Obama would reach out to them with armed drones, or increase the number of troops in Afghanistan by 30,000, or assume the power to make up a kill list every week that designated who, including American citizens, posed an imminent danger to the US and need be assassinated (no arrests, no charges, no trials).

Under Obama’s leadership, NATO has moved its influence and thousands of troops and military hardware along Russia’s border. As if that was not enough provocation, the US/NATO troops held military exercises along these same borders pushing a military and possible nuclear confrontation with Russia.

And here we have joke number 3 . . . the selection of Saudi Arabia to oversee the UN panel on human rights. That panel selects top officials who shape international human rights standards and report on violations worldwide.

This sovereign nation that will now oversee human rights abuses has been responsible for the following:

Amputation of hands or feet for robberies.

Flogging for “sexual deviance” and drunkenness.

Women were sentenced to lashes for adultery; the women were actually victims of rape, but because they could not prove who the perpetrators were, they were deemed guilty of committing adultery.

Saudi Arabia engages in capital punishment, including public executions by beheading. The death penalty can be imposed for a wide range of offences including murder, rape, armed robbery, repeated drug use, adultery, witchcraft and sorcery and can be carried out by beheading with a sword, stoning or firing squad, followed by crucifixion. In 2005, there were 191 executions; in 2006, there were 38; in 2007, there were 153, and in 2008, there were 102.

Joke Number 4 . . . To demonstrate that the assignment of Saudi Arabia as overseer to the UN Panel on Human Rights was not accidental or done in poor judgment, the UN elected Saudi Arabia to the UN Women’s Rights Commission. The kingdom is now one of 45 countries sitting on a panel “promoting women’s rights, documenting the reality of women’s lives throughout the world, and shaping global standards on gender equality and the empowerment of women,” according to the UN.

UN Watch Executive Director Hillel Neuer said in a statement. “This UN appointment is like making a pyromaniac into the town fire chief.”

In Saudi Arabia, no woman is allowed to make unilateral decisions about her life. A male guardian must be present to make such decisions.

Women cannot drive cars and, although they represent close to 70% of the university students, they make up only 5% of the workforce.

Some Saudi men have also used legally contracted “temporary marriages” in countries such as Mauritania, Yemen, and Indonesia as a means by which to sexually exploit migrant workers. Females as young as 7 years old are led to believe they are being wed in earnest, but upon arrival in Saudi Arabia subsequently become their husbands’ sexual slaves, are forced into domestic labor and, in some cases, prostitution.

Certainly, this is a country that has the credentials to protect women’s rights internationally. (Tongue in cheek).

Although former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright has not distinguished herself with an award, I feel obligated to share with you some of her quotes. After all, she is a renowned public figure and a mentor to Hillary Clinton and deserves some recognition.

On a 60 Minutes show in 1996, Lesley Stahl asked Madeleine, “We have heard that a half million children have died (in Iraq due to the US imposed sanctions). I mean, that’s more children than died in Hiroshima. And, you know, is the price worth it?”

Madeleine’s response . . .”I think this is a very hard choice, but the price–we think the price is worth it.”

More recently, Albright demonstrated her support for Hillary Clinton’s presidential candidacy by stating, “There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.”

Like Henry Kissinger, this is a person still held in high respect in the US. Hillary labeled Kissinger her mentor and Albright her friend.

The old saying goes, “You can tell a person by the friends he/she keeps.”

After re-reading the above, I have come to the conclusion that the whole fucking system is a joke and the joke’s on us. However, these are not the kinds of jokes one could laugh at . . . millions are dying, millions are being left homeless, life sustaining air and water are being rendered toxic, etc, These are not jokes that are funny. It is time to take to the streets and destroy the system that makes these things and these people possible . . . CAPITALISM.

Those who are the decision makers are being rewarded and honored despite the damage they are doing. It’s time to take a stand and let them know their awards are meaningless and they can take their awards and shove them . . . we will not take it anymore.

Dave Alpert has masters degrees in social work, educational administration, and psychology. He spent his career working with troubled inner city adolescents.