Amazingly, orangutans now use iPads to paint and video conference. And, if the old maxim Neanderthals have more fun is true, then we should be having more fun, too. After all, orangutans may be our closest relatives.
Judging by the seemingly interminable Republican debates, arguably the only ones having any fun at all are the angels footing the bill.
While Apple Computers has nothing to do with this new iPad program, known simply as “Apps for Apes,” Steve Jobs might be thrilled to learn part of his legacy includes empowering our next of kin with the capacity to paint, surf the Web, and reach out to family members thousands of miles away.
So, keeping it all in the family, if there is an Orangutan Outreach program, why not a Republican Outreach program? Judging by the number of people who show up when leading contender Mitt Romney speaks, there is a definite need for one.
As NPR notes, there have already been 26, yes, 26 Republican debates so far. The main objective of these debates is, of course, so voters can become better acquainted with those who aspire to occupy the White House. But, who knows? Maybe the idea of a debate will be archaic in another century, if not sooner, when candidates may instead face off in cyberspace.
While the televised debates seem to benefit more from redundancy than from face-time, the technology is in place to fast forward, pause, and fast rewind talking points ad infinitum.
The Republican leadership is so far out of touch with their base that they’ve effectively lost the votes of 99% of American women in one fell swoop. Republican candidates might as well be running from the moon for all the relevance they have to the issues impacting the vast majority of us today
Since human technology is being used to enable apes to communicate with each other remotely using iPads, why not come out with an application to bolster how Republicans communicate with their base remotely? Either that or someone should write a sequel to “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” and call it instead: “Republicans are from Mars, the rest of us are from Planet Earth.”
And, right in time for the Super Tuesday primary, it’s worth noting that orangutans at the Florida Zoo already have iPads, so it might behoove the Republican Party chair, and some of the candidates, to take a little trip to get a sense of how well this interactive technology is working with other primates.
In the spirit of the season now that there’s an app for other primates, why not an app for presidential primaries?
As The Sideshow reports, iPads for orangutans were developed for those cold winter months when orangutans tend to stay indoors, and have real time exposure to family.
If there is an iPad for primates, why not one for primary season when during those long, cold winter months candidates are cut off from constituents.
Seeing how out of touch most of the cash crop of Republican contenders are with their electoral base, a special program that might better enable them not only to reach out to potential voters, but also to understand how voters think might be in order. Keep in mind, though, that there isn’t an extension cord long enough to enable them to reach out and touch voters now.
Rick Santorum’s denunciation of government funding for contraception, and Mitt Romney’s absurdist references to how many Cadillacs his wife has in her respective driveways, surely could be enhanced by a program that gives them a real-time view of how 99% of America lives.
Thinking about some Web sites or movies that the 2012 opposition partiers, which is really what they are after all and not tea partiers, these comes to mind. Romney might find a primary app helpful for a virtual tour of a General Motors plant, so he could tell workers there what a bad idea it was for President Obama to bail out the auto industry, and not lay them off.
Rick Santorum might want to check out the Web site of an AIDS hospice since he thinks that cutting government funding for contraception will only affect women of child-bearing age. When he’s done with that, Santorum should also order an ultrasound of the Bible to show which parts of the New Testament are still alive and kicking.
Both Santorum and Ron Paul, who both endorse the idea that life begins at conception, should make their own You Tube video showing a body bag being loaded onto military aircraft from Afghanistan, and then say they support the “right to life” as long as it doesn’t include men and women who serve their country.
Not fair, you say, Ron Paul, of course, wants to bring the troops home. Right you are, so how about a three dimensional window into some National Guard troops lining the border between Arizona and Mexico, because this is where Dr. Paul wants to send troops after they finish their tour of Afghanistan. Using Ron Paul’s logic, it still counts as bringing the troops home if we wage war with undocumented immigrants at home, instead of the Taliban overseas.
For Newt, a primary app would be simple. Gingrich’s iPad will come in handy when checking new merchandise at Tiffany’s Web site.
Oh, and by the way, somebody ought to tell Santorum that he’s not going to get any more votes from women by changing the title of the movie to “Ben Her.”
Given that only the candidates are having fun at the debates, an incentive for the voting public might be if they were encouraged to view the debates as “play dates” not unlike the ones orangutans have using iPads to touch base with far away friends and family. The notion of a play date might also be helpful not only in choosing the Republican presidential nominee, but also in picking his running mate.
Some orangutans reportedly recognize distant family members using iPads. Doubtless, if given access to the primate app, I can think of at least two Republican contenders off the top of my head who will recognize some of their ancestors using this app
Putting Super Tuesday aside, 2012 may yet turn out to be a banner year for the Republican Party, as this is the year when there isn’t an extension cord long enough for any of the candidates to be able to reach out and touch many moderate members of their base. By appealing to the radical right-wing fringe of their party, this election may be seen not merely as Gingrich’s last stand, but as the last stand of his party.
Orangutans can now communicate with each other using iPads. Until Republicans can come up with a way to show that they’re at least minimally in touch with their base, we can count on their defeat, and for 95% of us, that’s a good thing, too.
Jayne Lyn Stahl is a widely published poet, essayist, playwright, and screenwriter, member of PEN American Center, and PEN USA.
