Obama’s statement on ‘Fast and Furious’

Good evening, my fellow Americans. I’m here tonight to clear up some misperceptions about Operation Fast and Furious. Many of you are confused, even angry, and I fully understand. Why did the United States sell thousands of guns to vicious Mexican drug cartels, so that they could kill many people, including Americans? Doesn’t this make us accomplices to murders?

Of course it does, but you must keep in mind that our hands are always stained by the blood of millions and millions of victims. That is the story of our history, it is our creed, because there is an awesome responsibility to being the greatest country on earth. We routinely preach peace and practice mass murder. Still, what was the point of Fast and Furious? Why did we give guns to our supposed enemy so they could shoot us?

The name is taken from a B movie, by the way. It’s about a fellow who breaks out of jail, kidnaps a woman, roughs her up a little, which makes her fall in love with him. Together, they then try to escape to Mexico. Michelle and the girls hated this film, and I didn’t care for it either. Violence on women is never excusable, under any circumstance. I just had Jeremy Lin, Eli Manning and Jimmie Rollins in town to tape a message condemning violence against women. Got to get those chick votes out. Give me some. In short, a woman should never be physically violated under any situation, context or lighting. Unless she’s hit by a drone in her sleep, that is. We don’t live in perfect world.

When I came into office, I had no gray hair and never rambled, but now I do. Such is the stress of being your President. Back to Fast and Furious. Attorney General Holder explained that the idea was to track these guns to the hiding places and upper echelons of the drug cartels, so that we could catch or kill the bad guys, just like we did Bin Laden in Pakistan, but of course this rationale is nonsense, because our brave and hardworking agents can only do so much in Mexico. It is a separate country, after all. Not that we care too much about that, frankly. In any case, we lost track of these weapons almost immediately, often even before they crossed the Rio Grande.

But you shouldn’t blame the Attorney General for blowing smoke up your crack. We all do, all the time. Harassed by an ambitious pit bull like Representative Issa, it was hard for Mr. Holder to keep his composure, and he was right to characterize his adversary’s antic as “political theater,” though everything in Washington, down to the last screw on each doorjamb, is political theater.

Back to your questions: Why did we provide guns to these mass-murdering, decapitating and torturing drug dealers? Why did we strengthen these ruthlessly greedy and even sadistic people, sort of like us, actually, when we’re supposed to fight them in the War on Drugs?

First of: The United States of America loves drug dealers. They have been our allies in war after war, including the Cold War and the War on Drugs. You must be familiar with The French Connection. Not too bad a movie. In real life, those Corsican gangsters were supported by our CIA. During the Vietnam War, we backed Chinese and Hmong drug lords operating out of Burma and Laos, with their opium and heroin being transported to markets on CIA planes. As our brave and honorable warriors fought the Communist menace, the CIA got many of these soldiers hooked on heroin. To fund America’s covert war against Nicaragua, we sold crack cocaine to African Americans, and now, in Afghanistan, this great, unparalleled country, a shining city on a hill, is again partnering with local drug dealers. Where there are drugs, America’s there to get in on the action.

And we have given guns to countless drug lords, so it’s no surprise we were caught arming the Sinaloa Cartel and even Los Zetas. Thanks to your addictions, these well-run organizations can funnel money to all these Mexican public servants, from the lowest to the highest. The honest ones, they kill. They also keep Americans too drugged up to rebel, so far, and I cross my fingers.

Let us remember that the British dumped opium on China to enrich themselves, debilitate the Chinese and fragment their society. With a much more exciting cocktail of drugs, not all of them chemical, your federal government is doing the same to you.

Many people have suggested that the quickest way to solve the drug problem is to legalize it. If drugs were legal, they would cost much less, thus cutting down greatly on the number of crimes committed by addicts. Legal drugs would also eliminate drug gangs, big and small, all except the biggest, of course. The CIA, one must remember, is a criminal organization with an extremely diversified portfolio. There isn’t a felony that it hasn’t or won’t commit. It can fix or tone down the Guatemalan President, for example, if he doesn’t stop making so much noise about legalizing drugs.

So now you see. Your ruling class won’t legalize drugs because it needs to make billions of dollars from illegal drugs and guns each year. Illegal narcotics fatten Wall Street, my puppet master, so who cares if thousands of cops, dealers, addicts and bystanders lie dead on bloody sidewalks from Juarez to Philly? This drug policy also provides a handy pretext to arrest vast swaths of America. Between that and the labyrinthine tax code, just about any of you can be branded a criminal. And if those fail, I can just declare you a terrorist!

So this is your country, America. We sell guns, drugs and porn, in the broadest sense of the word, and sponsor drug dealers, because that’s how we make loads of money. It’s all good. So with that, I wish you a pleasant good night. May God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America.

Linh Dinh is the author of two books of stories, five of poems, and a novel, Love Like Hate. He’s tracking our deteriorating socialscape through his frequently updated photo blog, State of the Union.